The key to a healthy relationship and certainly a joyful marriage is building it upon the best foundation possible. The “secret” to choosing the best foundation possible is in the difference between falling in love and being in love. Sadly, many confuse falling in love with being in love.
Consider these two scenes. The first is in a lobby of a Hospice house. An elderly couple is sitting together.
He is propped up in a chair and it is obvious his disease has taken a terrible toll on his strength and energy. She is seated next to him and is gently stroking his cheek with the back of her forefinger. Each gentle stroke radiates a depth of love and compassion that could only be built over a lifetime of being in love. In a powerful way their love fills the room.
The second is of a younger couple sitting in the couch across from my desk. Just a few years before they sat holding hands in the same place for premarital counseling. The excitement of each finding the “right” person and the energy of their dreams for the future filled the room. Today they are at opposite ends of the couch, both frustrated, hurt and seemingly resigned. Each indicates “the feeling” they once felt is gone and nothing they have tried to do brings it back. Anger, loneliness and conflict seem to mark their marriage now.
In anguish they each confess they are not sure what went wrong but this is not what they wanted in a marriage.
Are you as shocked as this couple was when I tell you they are closer to a great marriage than they realize. Their problem – they have confused falling in love with being in love.
Let me make an analogy of the relationship between falling in love and being in love. Falling in love is like a child getting “baby teeth” and being in love is more like having permanent teeth. Both are important but each has a place and there is a time for each.
Falling in love serves an important function - getting people together and setting the stage for a relationship to begin. But falling in love does not have the staying and growing power needed to develop and sustain a healthy relationship.
Here is a comparison of the two types of love:
Falling In Love Being in Love
Tends to happen to us. Result of an intentional choice.
Based upon a feeling (warm, good, etc). Grows out of a decision.
Tends to overlook faults of the other. Recognizes we are all flawed.
Magical moments when everyday life seems to fade into the background. Common, everyday life is the soil in which this love must grow and mature.
Often unconscious and unstated expectations.
Appreciation and gratitude for differences.
Instinctual, requires little effort. Intentional, requires effort, stretches us.
When faults realized believe can change the other.
Focus on my responsibility to change me.
What do I get from this relationship? What do I give to this relationship?
Ways my life is better because of you. Ways your life is better because of me.
Tend to overlook or excuse hurts. Learn to forgive hurts.
The good news is we can all learn how to be in love. It is a matter of choices and practice. The return is well worth the investment of time and effort.
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